February 28, 2016

Dear, (insert name)

I think that I was in love with you. At least as in love as somebody can be with a man who never gave a shit. I look back most days and try to pinpoint where it all went wrong. Did I make it to easy for you? Was I too willing to always try and make it work? Was I ever even enough? My mind is a fucked up mess because there are so many maybe's and what if's when all there should be is the closure that I so desperately need. All I ever wanted to do was love you. I was in it for the long haul. You said you weren't ready for a relationship so I compromised my beliefs and my morals to become what I thought you wanted me to be. I started saying things to try to get you to stay and became a person I didn't even recognize. Rule number one is to never let them change you. But I knew.. I knew you would never love me the way I needed you to but I gave you my all anyway. I thought that I could fix you and that I could make you fall in love with me. They say that it is alright to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it. In the moment I was sure that you were deserving of my love, but now looking back.. You were never even worth my time.

I will admit I had my faults but I truly stand behind that I only ever had good intentions. I just wanted to know you. I wanted to know your favorite color and all about your family, what makes you tick and your favorite subject in high school, I wanted to stay up with you until 3 am laughing about the stupidest things. I wanted to be your person.

I look back now and see all of the signs. I just excused your behavior as you being scared. Scared of falling for me. You never once told me I was pretty or beautiful. You never once asked me how my day went. You were only concerned that I was sexy as fuck and had a dirty mouth to go with it. You never asked about my family. You never cared.

I was too much and not enough for a man who was everything and nothing at all. You treated me terribly and for some reason I could never see that. But I want to thank you for that. I now know that I did not deserve that kind of treatment. It taught me to respect myself and to raise my standards.

I held on longer than I should've and now it is time to let you go. One day you are going to look back and realize that you should've fought for me and that I was worth it. You will search for me in another person, I promise. I am sorry that you never thought I was good enough, but don't worry, one day I will find someone who knows that I am.

I will never regret you, but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at hello.

Sincerely,
Finally moved on

December 26, 2015

I'm falling. And I'm falling hard. And I'm falling fast. It's cruel and the cruelest part is that you fall for the person that is completely wrong for you. But you keep falling. You know the heart break is gonna happen. It is not an if it is more of a when. You walk around on egg shells hoping that today isn't the last day with this perfectly imperfect man because you know there is no way it is going to last. Yet you keep falling. Harder and harder for this man you shouldn't love. You try to create some distance but the I need space turns into I miss you and I can't do this turns into please don't hurt me. It's cruel. That we fall for the ones that our parents warned us about. That the boys who drink too much and the boys that have too much are the ones we need to stay away from. Well sorry mom and dad, but that's the exact boy I'm falling in love with. It's complicated and cruel and ugly but it isn't gonna stop. It's gonna explode here soon. Your heart is gonna break. All because you fell in love with the boy that you knew it wouldn't last with. You knew it from the beginning. But of course it didn't stop you. No. Because he made you feel wanted, he told you were beautiful, he made you feel whole. But no one will remember that. All they will remember is the boy who broke your heart and the "I told you so" on the tip of their tongues. But you continue to fall because this big strong man isn't as big and strong as he tries to show the world. This big strong man is scared. He has demons that keep him up at night and haunt him throughout the day. This strong man who makes you feel so protected can't even protect himself from his demons. This strong man doesn't feel so strong but you fall anyway because he is everything to you. You want to help him fight his demons but he won't let you. He won't let you because he is protecting you. So you fall harder for this selfless man. You fall hard for the man with the bad reputation and the stories to prove it all because he's been nothing but gentlemanly to you. All he wants is for you to be happy. But what he doesn't realize is you are the happiest when you are with him. He puts more and more distance between y'all because he can no longer give you the relationship you "deserve". But you still fall. 

And then we end up here. Where you know you can't be together but you are past falling. You have completely fallen for this perfect fucked up man that you should stay away from. You've fallen and now all you can do is wait. Wait until the cruelty of love let's the other shoe drop. And the man you've fallen for, walks out the door. 

December 13, 2015

Where to even begin? Things have been absolutely crazy the past month or so.. The infamous Matt was of course a huge part of it all and then I got a huge bomb dropped on me from my guy.

So long story short, I hooked up with Matt and then he completely ignored me.... AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... You would think I would finally learn.. Guess not. So that happened and I got revenge by posting a FU dance video on my Instagram which my little sister so kindly tagged him in... Whoops.. He got what he deserved.. Well there is others but they aren't exactly legal.. Sooooo. He blocked both of us on Instagram & I deleted him completely out of my life. Fingers crossed it will actually last this time..

Since the end of May i have been talking to this other guy.. He lives out in California and does not exactly have the best reputation.. But he has been nothing but perfect to me. I have fallen pretty hard but I can't have him... Which freaking sucks. He will be home in less than two months but then leaves for good again after about five months. We are not dating or even classified as "talking" but I have grown to truly care for the guy and honestly cannot picture my life without him. But of course things aren't simple in my life and things have gotten weird between us here recently.. I am absolutely terrified for him to be home because I can't keep compromising my beliefs and goals in life for a guy. I did that plenty of times with Matt, and I just cannot keep doing that.. It isn't good for me. If he would've been before Matt, everything would be so different..

November 19, 2015

I have recently downloaded the app on my phone so hopefully that means I'll be posting more. As I was going through all my old posts I realized 99.9% of the good stuff is saved as a draft & is never posted. I don't know if that is because I am scared for you guys to know my deepest darkest secrets or if it because I think y'all will judge me. But I'm trying something new.. I'm going to start writing about everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And trust me there is plenty of the latter. I do not want to look back in 10 years and regret anything. So this is me taking chances & truly living.

To the man who broke my heart:

To the man who broke my heart,

It is truly your lose. You never deserved me. You never even came close to being worthy of me and that was something you could've easily changed. You made me so many empty promises and told me so many lies that I cannot believe I am still sitting here with you on my mind. You're good, I'll give you that. You made me fall head over heels for a guy who, to be quite frank, could give less of a fuck about me. You had me. I was yours. My heart, body, and soul easily would've belonged to you if you would have ever asked. You gave me false hope. You told me we were over and that we wanted different things. So i agreed, because I will not compromise my beliefs for someone else. But then you came back, saying you wanted the same things and you missed me. So i believed you because you were the boy who had my heart and you were good with those words. I guess that saying really relates, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". But in my case it is more like fool me 734 times. I guess it never really got in my head that this isn't how I should feel in a "relationship". I shouldn't be walking on egg shells and not knowing if it is a good time to ask you how your day was. A relationship shouldn't feel like a game. But boy were we playing a game, a game that you damn well mastered. Yes our "relationship" felt like a game, but I do not think that is what bothered me the most. I would have loved playing the game with you but I didn't know the rules and they changed every god damn day. You made it hard to catch up. I would have loved you so fiercely and made you the happiest man on earth. But you never let me. You never let me get close.. All i ever wanted was to love you. For you to trust me. For you to want me. But things aren't that simple. All i got was a broken heart. I wasn't in love with you but I easily could have. Even though things were so damn complicated, you made it so easy to fall in love with you. You said you'd been hurt before.. I hated her. Gosh do I hate her. I was convinced she ruined you. She destroyed you before I even got my foot in the door. I never stood a chance because she got to you first. Now taking a step back, I feel sorry for you. You shouldn't let the past hold you back. I sure as hell am not going to let this derail me from falling in love. You crushed me but you did not break me.

Sincerely,
The One Who Got Away

Thoughts Because of You

-You scowl where you once gawked.
-You have to be odd to be number one.
-I wonder if you ever think of me when you are alone.
-You do not understand how fucking good I could be to you.
-I wish I could ignore you like you ignore me.
-I want you to not give up on me.
-I deserve someone who actually gives a fuck about me.
-Sometimes you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve.
-I am jealous of everybody who is with you when I am not.
-My mission was to unwrap your soul. Yours was to unzip my pants.
-My hope died when you left.
-It is ok not to be ok.
-What do i do to make you want me?
-I will always find the one reason to come back to you
-I still like you I am just tired of trying.
-I lost myself trying not to lose you.
-I miss you, but fuck you! seriously!
-You either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up!
-I really did care about you. But you were a chain smoker and I was just another pack of cigarettes.
-Pain is certain. Suffering is optional.
-The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. ~Ernest Hemingway

February 4, 2015

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. To be completely honest I have no idea where to start.. Because what ever approach I use it will break my heart and regardless I will sound crazy. I was not in love, so I can't give you an exact reason why I feel like this. I am the type of person who needs an exact reason for everything; that is why I love math. It gives me one answer and one way to do it. Life isn't like that though, so it is difficult for me to adapt. My guy, who has been a reoccurring piece of my life for the last 4 years is completely gone from my life. It hurts, it sucks being thrown out like you do not even matter anymore. We never dated, hell we only hung out a few times yet here I am constantly thinking about him and I do not even cross his mind anymore. See? Crazy, I told you! I have tried backing up my emotions with things that have happened in my life, but I keep coming up short. I did not love him and most of the time I did not even like him, but something drew me to him. When I sit back and think, I believe that it was not necessarily him that i was infatuated with. I think I would have latched on to anyone. I do not think I was obsessed, but I might have been close. I get attached real easily and that scares me more than anything else. My goal in life is to never need anyone and I am terrified that when I get into a relationship I will lose myself trying to keep someone who is not necessarily deserving of my love. The sad thing is he never even gave a shit about me. He did not know a thing about me, all he was concerned about was what was on the outside. And what sucks the most is I knew everything little thing about him, so when he thinks of me all he will remember of me is what everyone else gets to see. Yet I am sitting here remembering every little detail that made me fall for him. I was crazy for him, and I had absolutely no reason to be!!! I would have done anything just to keep him around and yet that was not even enough. That does a real number to a girls confidence, trust me!! He broke me, I gave him a piece of my heart and he did not even want it. That hurts a lot. And it is not like he hurt me that is so hard for me right now; it's more that I believed everything he said, and I thought he was different. I thought maybe, just maybe, he would be different for me. I did not listen to anyone because I fell for the shit that he said. But the hardest part of all of this is that I honestly and truly believed him. When I think of my first love I will always think of him. We might not of loved each other but my heart break is all the same. He taught me that I deserve someone better. That I deserve someone who wants to truly get to know ME. I am done changing myself for others, because in the end all it does is suck the life out of you and you are left all alone while they are happy with that little piece of you, you never gave anyone else. It hurts but I know I will get over this. He broke me, but he did not destroy me. I thank him for all of the lessons he taught me. Goodbye M.