February 4, 2015

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. To be completely honest I have no idea where to start.. Because what ever approach I use it will break my heart and regardless I will sound crazy. I was not in love, so I can't give you an exact reason why I feel like this. I am the type of person who needs an exact reason for everything; that is why I love math. It gives me one answer and one way to do it. Life isn't like that though, so it is difficult for me to adapt. My guy, who has been a reoccurring piece of my life for the last 4 years is completely gone from my life. It hurts, it sucks being thrown out like you do not even matter anymore. We never dated, hell we only hung out a few times yet here I am constantly thinking about him and I do not even cross his mind anymore. See? Crazy, I told you! I have tried backing up my emotions with things that have happened in my life, but I keep coming up short. I did not love him and most of the time I did not even like him, but something drew me to him. When I sit back and think, I believe that it was not necessarily him that i was infatuated with. I think I would have latched on to anyone. I do not think I was obsessed, but I might have been close. I get attached real easily and that scares me more than anything else. My goal in life is to never need anyone and I am terrified that when I get into a relationship I will lose myself trying to keep someone who is not necessarily deserving of my love. The sad thing is he never even gave a shit about me. He did not know a thing about me, all he was concerned about was what was on the outside. And what sucks the most is I knew everything little thing about him, so when he thinks of me all he will remember of me is what everyone else gets to see. Yet I am sitting here remembering every little detail that made me fall for him. I was crazy for him, and I had absolutely no reason to be!!! I would have done anything just to keep him around and yet that was not even enough. That does a real number to a girls confidence, trust me!! He broke me, I gave him a piece of my heart and he did not even want it. That hurts a lot. And it is not like he hurt me that is so hard for me right now; it's more that I believed everything he said, and I thought he was different. I thought maybe, just maybe, he would be different for me. I did not listen to anyone because I fell for the shit that he said. But the hardest part of all of this is that I honestly and truly believed him. When I think of my first love I will always think of him. We might not of loved each other but my heart break is all the same. He taught me that I deserve someone better. That I deserve someone who wants to truly get to know ME. I am done changing myself for others, because in the end all it does is suck the life out of you and you are left all alone while they are happy with that little piece of you, you never gave anyone else. It hurts but I know I will get over this. He broke me, but he did not destroy me. I thank him for all of the lessons he taught me. Goodbye M.