August 27, 2017

As children we are taught to seek out the broken and make them feel accepted, but they don't prepare us for what happens when we fall in love with them. Once you fall it becomes impossible to walk away. Loving him was the most exquisite form of self destruction and if you have never felt your soul being torn apart, you have never loved anyone with all of your heart. That is where the problems lies, when you have a good heart, you think everyone has one too. You see the good in people and that creates the tiniest bit of hope inside your soul. Then it will crush you because they never intended on risking it all just to be loved by you. But you stay, you stay because it would be the hardest thing you have ever done if you walked away still madly in love. Despite the fact of your heart breaking into a thousand pieces, you are still willing to give it all to the same one who is breaking it. You can't blame him. You won't blame him. You will ache for him and lay all of your cards on the table. You do this because he deserves to be loved wholeheartedly even if it will destroy you in the end. When all you ever wanted was to receive the love you gave. This makes you question things. It makes you wonder if you are enough of a woman for a man to some day love. Because out of all of the men you could've chosen, you chose the boy who didn't have enough room in his heart to love someone like you. It hurts. God does it hurt, but you push through. Because when you look into those dark brown eyes you see the hope. The hope that maybe one day a boy like him could love a girl like you. So you continue to wait. When in the back of your mind you know you are just waiting for him to decide he no longer wants or needs a woman like you. That he can no longer deal with the stress of not being able to love you back. It scares him and he is cowardly. So you wait for him to break your heart, because let's face it. You know it is coming. You feel it coming. But you stay because you fell in love with that goofy grin that only comes out once every blue moon. You stay because he throws you a life line and makes you feel like there might be a chance. So you start calculating your every move. Don't be too needy. Don't be too lovey. Make him laugh but don't be over the top. Make him feel important but not too much because he will get scared and run. You end up walking on egg shells because you don't want to lose him. You become less and less like yourself because you are afraid of a man who can't even admit he enjoys having you around. And it hurts. You will cry and scream and break down. You will ask yourself why and wonder what you could've done to make him love you. But there are no answers. There are no answers because it isn't that he can't love you. It is because he doesn't want to love you. There are some days I blame him and there are others where I blame myself. We were two people who simply were not meant to be. I knew that I had reached my highest level of self respect, when I stopped begging that man to love me properly. All I ever wanted was the effort I gave. I did everything I could. I loved him with everything I had. I did everything I was supposed to do. I stayed loyal. I loved all of his faults and loved him harder because of them. I loved every. single. tiny. broken. piece of that man. And try as I may, I cannot find a way to unlove him. I was too much and not enough for a man who was everything and nothing at all. The worst part was thinking we were on the same page. I knew I had fallen fast but I knew deep down that he would love me too. Then he crushed me. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I do not see myself falling in love with you". I couldn't breathe. All I knew was that my heart hurt and he had caused that. I thought everything was great and that we were happy. Then everything was ripped right out from under me and no one can tell me that I will be okay until they experience that kind of soul crushing pain. And it is hard because I can't figure out how to sit across from him and not fall madly in love with everything that he does. Loving him was a sacrifice and I gave him the power to destroy me. I tend to struggle with the fact that I loved him enough to sacrifice my own happiness and at the same exact time, he did not care enough to stop me. He is everything I have desired in a man but he just doesn't know how to love. The worst part is I used to pity women like me. Women that waited around on a man that wasn't worth their time. Women who became pathetic just to have an ounce of a man's love. Now here I am. Stuck. I am stuck loving a man who I know can never love me back. But I wait. I wait because despite it all he is a good man and deserves to know this kind of love. Even if it breaks me. I just hope one day when this is all over, I can love again and be loved back. I hope I find someone who sees the fire in my eyes and wants to play with it. I hope that he finds the one that finally makes him let his guard down. I want him to fall in love. Even if that person isn't me. It will hurt like hell but all I have ever wanted for that man is the happiness he deserves. I hope one day down the road he will see me out and about and realize how wholeheartedly I loved him. I hope he realizes that I am the one who got away and that he is the only one to blame. Maybe one day we will meet again and our timing will finally be right. Maybe he wasn't ready for a woman like me just yet. I pray this isn't the end of our story.

JLS

July 1, 2016

Dear you, 

You aren't worth it. You never were. It has been awhile since I've been able to admit that and to be honest I am praying to all things holy that this time I actually stick to it. I can't sit here and say that you don't still cross my mind everyday because that would be a lie. I am sure you will always have a piece of me and for that I can never truly forget about you. I used to think you were everything. God what I would've done to become your girl. All the times I thought you were everything and all you did was let me down. 

I still remember the day I realized I would never be able to change you. For years I held out hope that you would become the man I knew you could be. The man I needed you to be but no matter how many times I turned a blind eye and gave you a second chance, you would never change. You warned me but regardless of all the flashing red signs, I just couldn't stay away. I was a moth, you were my light and I needed you. I was in denial and couldn't see that you would never love me. 

Your silence killed me. You made it look so easy. Those nights. Those days. Those weeks. Where you would just drop off the face of the earth destroyed me. It left me questioning everything. I hated being that girl but you made me become her. Once you came back, because lets admit it, you always came back I would walk on egg shells around you to make sure you wouldn't leave again. I would look forward to those days when your name would finally flash across my phone. I tried to be rid of you but just like you could never stay away, I could never resist you once you came back. 

I changed for you. Your lack of appreciation and attention made me question the woman I was. It convinced me that it was my own fault that you didn't want me. That something was wrong with me. It was always an empty promise and if it wasn't that, it was an excuse. I just wanted us to be normal. I wanted you to want me. But you always chose them, the other girls. Maybe they were easier or maybe I was truly never good enough for you and never would be. I spent hours comparing myself to them and wondering what I could do to make you want me like that. I ignored every guy that paid attention to me because I foolishly held out hope that you would only have eyes for me. 

I lost my mind trying to be on yours. I made so many excuses for you. I convinced myself that having whatever small piece of yourself that you would give me would be enough. I gave my all to you and only got a little of you in return. I convinced myself that that was okay. 

I tried so hard. I tried harder than you could ever imagine and it still wasn't enough. So I am left here trying to forget you and how you made me feel. I am left cleaning up my broken heart over a man who never intended on loving me. I felt too much. You didn't. I can't hate you for that, boy do I wish I could.. But I can't. There is a part of me that is desperate to know if my absence has done any damage to you. I want to know that I actually meant something to you. I want to know that I am not as forgettable as your silence makes me feel. 

I think today is finally the day I have decided to set you free. I've decided to set you free because I deserve better. I deserve some who sees the fire in my eyes and wants to play with it. I deserve someone who understands me and just gets me. I deserve a man who won't need to take some time because i'll be an adjustment and am just too hard to handle. I deserve someone who doesn't just call me up at midnight and make me his last minute plans. I deserve a man who will fight for me and make my toes curl when he kisses me. I am too full of life to be half loved and I am too passionate to not be a priority. It has finally occurred to me that you were never going to live up to the person I made you out to be. 

You will always hold a special piece of my heart but I need to let you go. I have to let you go because you will destroy me. You have the power to ruin me. I have never admitted it out loud, but I loved you. Every broken, messed up piece of you. I think I always will but there are some people you have to love from a distance. I want you to be happy, even if it is not with me. That is all I have ever wanted. My heart aches without you. 

Sincerely, 

Better Off

EDIT (08.07.17)
It is crazy what a difference a year can make. I thought I "loved" this man.. Boy was I wrong. I know what love feels like now and what i "experienced" with him, does not even compare. Now things with my new man are a disaster but that story is for another time. 

February 28, 2016

Dear, (insert name)

I think that I was in love with you. At least as in love as somebody can be with a man who never gave a shit. I look back most days and try to pinpoint where it all went wrong. Did I make it to easy for you? Was I too willing to always try and make it work? Was I ever even enough? My mind is a fucked up mess because there are so many maybe's and what if's when all there should be is the closure that I so desperately need. All I ever wanted to do was love you. I was in it for the long haul. You said you weren't ready for a relationship so I compromised my beliefs and my morals to become what I thought you wanted me to be. I started saying things to try to get you to stay and became a person I didn't even recognize. Rule number one is to never let them change you. But I knew.. I knew you would never love me the way I needed you to but I gave you my all anyway. I thought that I could fix you and that I could make you fall in love with me. They say that it is alright to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it. In the moment I was sure that you were deserving of my love, but now looking back.. You were never even worth my time.

I will admit I had my faults but I truly stand behind that I only ever had good intentions. I just wanted to know you. I wanted to know your favorite color and all about your family, what makes you tick and your favorite subject in high school, I wanted to stay up with you until 3 am laughing about the stupidest things. I wanted to be your person.

I look back now and see all of the signs. I just excused your behavior as you being scared. Scared of falling for me. You never once told me I was pretty or beautiful. You never once asked me how my day went. You were only concerned that I was sexy as fuck and had a dirty mouth to go with it. You never asked about my family. You never cared.

I was too much and not enough for a man who was everything and nothing at all. You treated me terribly and for some reason I could never see that. But I want to thank you for that. I now know that I did not deserve that kind of treatment. It taught me to respect myself and to raise my standards.

I held on longer than I should've and now it is time to let you go. One day you are going to look back and realize that you should've fought for me and that I was worth it. You will search for me in another person, I promise. I am sorry that you never thought I was good enough, but don't worry, one day I will find someone who knows that I am.

I will never regret you, but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at hello.

Sincerely,
Finally moved on

December 26, 2015

I'm falling. And I'm falling hard. And I'm falling fast. It's cruel and the cruelest part is that you fall for the person that is completely wrong for you. But you keep falling. You know the heart break is gonna happen. It is not an if it is more of a when. You walk around on egg shells hoping that today isn't the last day with this perfectly imperfect man because you know there is no way it is going to last. Yet you keep falling. Harder and harder for this man you shouldn't love. You try to create some distance but the I need space turns into I miss you and I can't do this turns into please don't hurt me. It's cruel. That we fall for the ones that our parents warned us about. That the boys who drink too much and the boys that have too much are the ones we need to stay away from. Well sorry mom and dad, but that's the exact boy I'm falling in love with. It's complicated and cruel and ugly but it isn't gonna stop. It's gonna explode here soon. Your heart is gonna break. All because you fell in love with the boy that you knew it wouldn't last with. You knew it from the beginning. But of course it didn't stop you. No. Because he made you feel wanted, he told you were beautiful, he made you feel whole. But no one will remember that. All they will remember is the boy who broke your heart and the "I told you so" on the tip of their tongues. But you continue to fall because this big strong man isn't as big and strong as he tries to show the world. This big strong man is scared. He has demons that keep him up at night and haunt him throughout the day. This strong man who makes you feel so protected can't even protect himself from his demons. This strong man doesn't feel so strong but you fall anyway because he is everything to you. You want to help him fight his demons but he won't let you. He won't let you because he is protecting you. So you fall harder for this selfless man. You fall hard for the man with the bad reputation and the stories to prove it all because he's been nothing but gentlemanly to you. All he wants is for you to be happy. But what he doesn't realize is you are the happiest when you are with him. He puts more and more distance between y'all because he can no longer give you the relationship you "deserve". But you still fall. 

And then we end up here. Where you know you can't be together but you are past falling. You have completely fallen for this perfect fucked up man that you should stay away from. You've fallen and now all you can do is wait. Wait until the cruelty of love let's the other shoe drop. And the man you've fallen for, walks out the door. 

December 13, 2015

Where to even begin? Things have been absolutely crazy the past month or so.. The infamous Matt was of course a huge part of it all and then I got a huge bomb dropped on me from my guy.

So long story short, I hooked up with Matt and then he completely ignored me.... AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... You would think I would finally learn.. Guess not. So that happened and I got revenge by posting a FU dance video on my Instagram which my little sister so kindly tagged him in... Whoops.. He got what he deserved.. Well there is others but they aren't exactly legal.. Sooooo. He blocked both of us on Instagram & I deleted him completely out of my life. Fingers crossed it will actually last this time..

Since the end of May i have been talking to this other guy.. He lives out in California and does not exactly have the best reputation.. But he has been nothing but perfect to me. I have fallen pretty hard but I can't have him... Which freaking sucks. He will be home in less than two months but then leaves for good again after about five months. We are not dating or even classified as "talking" but I have grown to truly care for the guy and honestly cannot picture my life without him. But of course things aren't simple in my life and things have gotten weird between us here recently.. I am absolutely terrified for him to be home because I can't keep compromising my beliefs and goals in life for a guy. I did that plenty of times with Matt, and I just cannot keep doing that.. It isn't good for me. If he would've been before Matt, everything would be so different..

November 19, 2015

I have recently downloaded the app on my phone so hopefully that means I'll be posting more. As I was going through all my old posts I realized 99.9% of the good stuff is saved as a draft & is never posted. I don't know if that is because I am scared for you guys to know my deepest darkest secrets or if it because I think y'all will judge me. But I'm trying something new.. I'm going to start writing about everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And trust me there is plenty of the latter. I do not want to look back in 10 years and regret anything. So this is me taking chances & truly living.

To the man who broke my heart:

To the man who broke my heart,

It is truly your lose. You never deserved me. You never even came close to being worthy of me and that was something you could've easily changed. You made me so many empty promises and told me so many lies that I cannot believe I am still sitting here with you on my mind. You're good, I'll give you that. You made me fall head over heels for a guy who, to be quite frank, could give less of a fuck about me. You had me. I was yours. My heart, body, and soul easily would've belonged to you if you would have ever asked. You gave me false hope. You told me we were over and that we wanted different things. So i agreed, because I will not compromise my beliefs for someone else. But then you came back, saying you wanted the same things and you missed me. So i believed you because you were the boy who had my heart and you were good with those words. I guess that saying really relates, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". But in my case it is more like fool me 734 times. I guess it never really got in my head that this isn't how I should feel in a "relationship". I shouldn't be walking on egg shells and not knowing if it is a good time to ask you how your day was. A relationship shouldn't feel like a game. But boy were we playing a game, a game that you damn well mastered. Yes our "relationship" felt like a game, but I do not think that is what bothered me the most. I would have loved playing the game with you but I didn't know the rules and they changed every god damn day. You made it hard to catch up. I would have loved you so fiercely and made you the happiest man on earth. But you never let me. You never let me get close.. All i ever wanted was to love you. For you to trust me. For you to want me. But things aren't that simple. All i got was a broken heart. I wasn't in love with you but I easily could have. Even though things were so damn complicated, you made it so easy to fall in love with you. You said you'd been hurt before.. I hated her. Gosh do I hate her. I was convinced she ruined you. She destroyed you before I even got my foot in the door. I never stood a chance because she got to you first. Now taking a step back, I feel sorry for you. You shouldn't let the past hold you back. I sure as hell am not going to let this derail me from falling in love. You crushed me but you did not break me.

Sincerely,
The One Who Got Away