July 1, 2016

Dear you, 

You aren't worth it. You never were. It has been awhile since I've been able to admit that and to be honest I am praying to all things holy that this time I actually stick to it. I can't sit here and say that you don't still cross my mind everyday because that would be a lie. I am sure you will always have a piece of me and for that I can never truly forget about you. I used to think you were everything. God what I would've done to become your girl. All the times I thought you were everything and all you did was let me down. 

I still remember the day I realized I would never be able to change you. For years I held out hope that you would become the man I knew you could be. The man I needed you to be but no matter how many times I turned a blind eye and gave you a second chance, you would never change. You warned me but regardless of all the flashing red signs, I just couldn't stay away. I was a moth, you were my light and I needed you. I was in denial and couldn't see that you would never love me. 

Your silence killed me. You made it look so easy. Those nights. Those days. Those weeks. Where you would just drop off the face of the earth destroyed me. It left me questioning everything. I hated being that girl but you made me become her. Once you came back, because lets admit it, you always came back I would walk on egg shells around you to make sure you wouldn't leave again. I would look forward to those days when your name would finally flash across my phone. I tried to be rid of you but just like you could never stay away, I could never resist you once you came back. 

I changed for you. Your lack of appreciation and attention made me question the woman I was. It convinced me that it was my own fault that you didn't want me. That something was wrong with me. It was always an empty promise and if it wasn't that, it was an excuse. I just wanted us to be normal. I wanted you to want me. But you always chose them, the other girls. Maybe they were easier or maybe I was truly never good enough for you and never would be. I spent hours comparing myself to them and wondering what I could do to make you want me like that. I ignored every guy that paid attention to me because I foolishly held out hope that you would only have eyes for me. 

I lost my mind trying to be on yours. I made so many excuses for you. I convinced myself that having whatever small piece of yourself that you would give me would be enough. I gave my all to you and only got a little of you in return. I convinced myself that that was okay. 

I tried so hard. I tried harder than you could ever imagine and it still wasn't enough. So I am left here trying to forget you and how you made me feel. I am left cleaning up my broken heart over a man who never intended on loving me. I felt too much. You didn't. I can't hate you for that, boy do I wish I could.. But I can't. There is a part of me that is desperate to know if my absence has done any damage to you. I want to know that I actually meant something to you. I want to know that I am not as forgettable as your silence makes me feel. 

I think today is finally the day I have decided to set you free. I've decided to set you free because I deserve better. I deserve some who sees the fire in my eyes and wants to play with it. I deserve someone who understands me and just gets me. I deserve a man who won't need to take some time because i'll be an adjustment and am just too hard to handle. I deserve someone who doesn't just call me up at midnight and make me his last minute plans. I deserve a man who will fight for me and make my toes curl when he kisses me. I am too full of life to be half loved and I am too passionate to not be a priority. It has finally occurred to me that you were never going to live up to the person I made you out to be. 

You will always hold a special piece of my heart but I need to let you go. I have to let you go because you will destroy me. You have the power to ruin me. I have never admitted it out loud, but I loved you. Every broken, messed up piece of you. I think I always will but there are some people you have to love from a distance. I want you to be happy, even if it is not with me. That is all I have ever wanted. My heart aches without you. 

Sincerely, 

Better Off

EDIT (08.07.17)
It is crazy what a difference a year can make. I thought I "loved" this man.. Boy was I wrong. I know what love feels like now and what i "experienced" with him, does not even compare. Now things with my new man are a disaster but that story is for another time. 

February 28, 2016

Dear, (insert name)

I think that I was in love with you. At least as in love as somebody can be with a man who never gave a shit. I look back most days and try to pinpoint where it all went wrong. Did I make it to easy for you? Was I too willing to always try and make it work? Was I ever even enough? My mind is a fucked up mess because there are so many maybe's and what if's when all there should be is the closure that I so desperately need. All I ever wanted to do was love you. I was in it for the long haul. You said you weren't ready for a relationship so I compromised my beliefs and my morals to become what I thought you wanted me to be. I started saying things to try to get you to stay and became a person I didn't even recognize. Rule number one is to never let them change you. But I knew.. I knew you would never love me the way I needed you to but I gave you my all anyway. I thought that I could fix you and that I could make you fall in love with me. They say that it is alright to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it. In the moment I was sure that you were deserving of my love, but now looking back.. You were never even worth my time.

I will admit I had my faults but I truly stand behind that I only ever had good intentions. I just wanted to know you. I wanted to know your favorite color and all about your family, what makes you tick and your favorite subject in high school, I wanted to stay up with you until 3 am laughing about the stupidest things. I wanted to be your person.

I look back now and see all of the signs. I just excused your behavior as you being scared. Scared of falling for me. You never once told me I was pretty or beautiful. You never once asked me how my day went. You were only concerned that I was sexy as fuck and had a dirty mouth to go with it. You never asked about my family. You never cared.

I was too much and not enough for a man who was everything and nothing at all. You treated me terribly and for some reason I could never see that. But I want to thank you for that. I now know that I did not deserve that kind of treatment. It taught me to respect myself and to raise my standards.

I held on longer than I should've and now it is time to let you go. One day you are going to look back and realize that you should've fought for me and that I was worth it. You will search for me in another person, I promise. I am sorry that you never thought I was good enough, but don't worry, one day I will find someone who knows that I am.

I will never regret you, but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at hello.

Sincerely,
Finally moved on