December 26, 2015

I'm falling. And I'm falling hard. And I'm falling fast. It's cruel and the cruelest part is that you fall for the person that is completely wrong for you. But you keep falling. You know the heart break is gonna happen. It is not an if it is more of a when. You walk around on egg shells hoping that today isn't the last day with this perfectly imperfect man because you know there is no way it is going to last. Yet you keep falling. Harder and harder for this man you shouldn't love. You try to create some distance but the I need space turns into I miss you and I can't do this turns into please don't hurt me. It's cruel. That we fall for the ones that our parents warned us about. That the boys who drink too much and the boys that have too much are the ones we need to stay away from. Well sorry mom and dad, but that's the exact boy I'm falling in love with. It's complicated and cruel and ugly but it isn't gonna stop. It's gonna explode here soon. Your heart is gonna break. All because you fell in love with the boy that you knew it wouldn't last with. You knew it from the beginning. But of course it didn't stop you. No. Because he made you feel wanted, he told you were beautiful, he made you feel whole. But no one will remember that. All they will remember is the boy who broke your heart and the "I told you so" on the tip of their tongues. But you continue to fall because this big strong man isn't as big and strong as he tries to show the world. This big strong man is scared. He has demons that keep him up at night and haunt him throughout the day. This strong man who makes you feel so protected can't even protect himself from his demons. This strong man doesn't feel so strong but you fall anyway because he is everything to you. You want to help him fight his demons but he won't let you. He won't let you because he is protecting you. So you fall harder for this selfless man. You fall hard for the man with the bad reputation and the stories to prove it all because he's been nothing but gentlemanly to you. All he wants is for you to be happy. But what he doesn't realize is you are the happiest when you are with him. He puts more and more distance between y'all because he can no longer give you the relationship you "deserve". But you still fall. 

And then we end up here. Where you know you can't be together but you are past falling. You have completely fallen for this perfect fucked up man that you should stay away from. You've fallen and now all you can do is wait. Wait until the cruelty of love let's the other shoe drop. And the man you've fallen for, walks out the door. 

December 13, 2015

Where to even begin? Things have been absolutely crazy the past month or so.. The infamous Matt was of course a huge part of it all and then I got a huge bomb dropped on me from my guy.

So long story short, I hooked up with Matt and then he completely ignored me.... AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... You would think I would finally learn.. Guess not. So that happened and I got revenge by posting a FU dance video on my Instagram which my little sister so kindly tagged him in... Whoops.. He got what he deserved.. Well there is others but they aren't exactly legal.. Sooooo. He blocked both of us on Instagram & I deleted him completely out of my life. Fingers crossed it will actually last this time..

Since the end of May i have been talking to this other guy.. He lives out in California and does not exactly have the best reputation.. But he has been nothing but perfect to me. I have fallen pretty hard but I can't have him... Which freaking sucks. He will be home in less than two months but then leaves for good again after about five months. We are not dating or even classified as "talking" but I have grown to truly care for the guy and honestly cannot picture my life without him. But of course things aren't simple in my life and things have gotten weird between us here recently.. I am absolutely terrified for him to be home because I can't keep compromising my beliefs and goals in life for a guy. I did that plenty of times with Matt, and I just cannot keep doing that.. It isn't good for me. If he would've been before Matt, everything would be so different..