As children we are taught to seek out the broken and make them feel accepted, but they don't prepare us for what happens when we fall in love with them. Once you fall it becomes impossible to walk away. Loving him was the most exquisite form of self destruction and if you have never felt your soul being torn apart, you have never loved anyone with all of your heart. That is where the problems lies, when you have a good heart, you think everyone has one too. You see the good in people and that creates the tiniest bit of hope inside your soul. Then it will crush you because they never intended on risking it all just to be loved by you. But you stay, you stay because it would be the hardest thing you have ever done if you walked away still madly in love. Despite the fact of your heart breaking into a thousand pieces, you are still willing to give it all to the same one who is breaking it. You can't blame him. You won't blame him. You will ache for him and lay all of your cards on the table. You do this because he deserves to be loved wholeheartedly even if it will destroy you in the end. When all you ever wanted was to receive the love you gave. This makes you question things. It makes you wonder if you are enough of a woman for a man to some day love. Because out of all of the men you could've chosen, you chose the boy who didn't have enough room in his heart to love someone like you. It hurts. God does it hurt, but you push through. Because when you look into those dark brown eyes you see the hope. The hope that maybe one day a boy like him could love a girl like you. So you continue to wait. When in the back of your mind you know you are just waiting for him to decide he no longer wants or needs a woman like you. That he can no longer deal with the stress of not being able to love you back. It scares him and he is cowardly. So you wait for him to break your heart, because let's face it. You know it is coming. You feel it coming. But you stay because you fell in love with that goofy grin that only comes out once every blue moon. You stay because he throws you a life line and makes you feel like there might be a chance. So you start calculating your every move. Don't be too needy. Don't be too lovey. Make him laugh but don't be over the top. Make him feel important but not too much because he will get scared and run. You end up walking on egg shells because you don't want to lose him. You become less and less like yourself because you are afraid of a man who can't even admit he enjoys having you around. And it hurts. You will cry and scream and break down. You will ask yourself why and wonder what you could've done to make him love you. But there are no answers. There are no answers because it isn't that he can't love you. It is because he doesn't want to love you. There are some days I blame him and there are others where I blame myself. We were two people who simply were not meant to be. I knew that I had reached my highest level of self respect, when I stopped begging that man to love me properly. All I ever wanted was the effort I gave. I did everything I could. I loved him with everything I had. I did everything I was supposed to do. I stayed loyal. I loved all of his faults and loved him harder because of them. I loved every. single. tiny. broken. piece of that man. And try as I may, I cannot find a way to unlove him. I was too much and not enough for a man who was everything and nothing at all. The worst part was thinking we were on the same page. I knew I had fallen fast but I knew deep down that he would love me too. Then he crushed me. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I do not see myself falling in love with you". I couldn't breathe. All I knew was that my heart hurt and he had caused that. I thought everything was great and that we were happy. Then everything was ripped right out from under me and no one can tell me that I will be okay until they experience that kind of soul crushing pain. And it is hard because I can't figure out how to sit across from him and not fall madly in love with everything that he does. Loving him was a sacrifice and I gave him the power to destroy me. I tend to struggle with the fact that I loved him enough to sacrifice my own happiness and at the same exact time, he did not care enough to stop me. He is everything I have desired in a man but he just doesn't know how to love. The worst part is I used to pity women like me. Women that waited around on a man that wasn't worth their time. Women who became pathetic just to have an ounce of a man's love. Now here I am. Stuck. I am stuck loving a man who I know can never love me back. But I wait. I wait because despite it all he is a good man and deserves to know this kind of love. Even if it breaks me. I just hope one day when this is all over, I can love again and be loved back. I hope I find someone who sees the fire in my eyes and wants to play with it. I hope that he finds the one that finally makes him let his guard down. I want him to fall in love. Even if that person isn't me. It will hurt like hell but all I have ever wanted for that man is the happiness he deserves. I hope one day down the road he will see me out and about and realize how wholeheartedly I loved him. I hope he realizes that I am the one who got away and that he is the only one to blame. Maybe one day we will meet again and our timing will finally be right. Maybe he wasn't ready for a woman like me just yet. I pray this isn't the end of our story.
JLS
