July 1, 2016

Dear you, 

You aren't worth it. You never were. It has been awhile since I've been able to admit that and to be honest I am praying to all things holy that this time I actually stick to it. I can't sit here and say that you don't still cross my mind everyday because that would be a lie. I am sure you will always have a piece of me and for that I can never truly forget about you. I used to think you were everything. God what I would've done to become your girl. All the times I thought you were everything and all you did was let me down. 

I still remember the day I realized I would never be able to change you. For years I held out hope that you would become the man I knew you could be. The man I needed you to be but no matter how many times I turned a blind eye and gave you a second chance, you would never change. You warned me but regardless of all the flashing red signs, I just couldn't stay away. I was a moth, you were my light and I needed you. I was in denial and couldn't see that you would never love me. 

Your silence killed me. You made it look so easy. Those nights. Those days. Those weeks. Where you would just drop off the face of the earth destroyed me. It left me questioning everything. I hated being that girl but you made me become her. Once you came back, because lets admit it, you always came back I would walk on egg shells around you to make sure you wouldn't leave again. I would look forward to those days when your name would finally flash across my phone. I tried to be rid of you but just like you could never stay away, I could never resist you once you came back. 

I changed for you. Your lack of appreciation and attention made me question the woman I was. It convinced me that it was my own fault that you didn't want me. That something was wrong with me. It was always an empty promise and if it wasn't that, it was an excuse. I just wanted us to be normal. I wanted you to want me. But you always chose them, the other girls. Maybe they were easier or maybe I was truly never good enough for you and never would be. I spent hours comparing myself to them and wondering what I could do to make you want me like that. I ignored every guy that paid attention to me because I foolishly held out hope that you would only have eyes for me. 

I lost my mind trying to be on yours. I made so many excuses for you. I convinced myself that having whatever small piece of yourself that you would give me would be enough. I gave my all to you and only got a little of you in return. I convinced myself that that was okay. 

I tried so hard. I tried harder than you could ever imagine and it still wasn't enough. So I am left here trying to forget you and how you made me feel. I am left cleaning up my broken heart over a man who never intended on loving me. I felt too much. You didn't. I can't hate you for that, boy do I wish I could.. But I can't. There is a part of me that is desperate to know if my absence has done any damage to you. I want to know that I actually meant something to you. I want to know that I am not as forgettable as your silence makes me feel. 

I think today is finally the day I have decided to set you free. I've decided to set you free because I deserve better. I deserve some who sees the fire in my eyes and wants to play with it. I deserve someone who understands me and just gets me. I deserve a man who won't need to take some time because i'll be an adjustment and am just too hard to handle. I deserve someone who doesn't just call me up at midnight and make me his last minute plans. I deserve a man who will fight for me and make my toes curl when he kisses me. I am too full of life to be half loved and I am too passionate to not be a priority. It has finally occurred to me that you were never going to live up to the person I made you out to be. 

You will always hold a special piece of my heart but I need to let you go. I have to let you go because you will destroy me. You have the power to ruin me. I have never admitted it out loud, but I loved you. Every broken, messed up piece of you. I think I always will but there are some people you have to love from a distance. I want you to be happy, even if it is not with me. That is all I have ever wanted. My heart aches without you. 

Sincerely, 

Better Off

EDIT (08.07.17)
It is crazy what a difference a year can make. I thought I "loved" this man.. Boy was I wrong. I know what love feels like now and what i "experienced" with him, does not even compare. Now things with my new man are a disaster but that story is for another time.